You, like a sharp knife, pierce fiercely and slowly into my heart, bloodless but unutterably painful. --------Williams Zheng
It is nearly ten months since I left China for Nigeria. Before I came here, I thought as long as I was far away from those familiar haunts we had indulged in together, I could forget those memories of you on my mind and then enjoy a peaceful life. But, my darling, could you tell me how can I enjoy this if my life is without you? I could not remember how many times I wake up restlessly at midnight and could not sleep a wink again, for all I dream are of you. I, like a baby, curl myself up in the bed and turn over incessantly. For this reason, my tears, like a turbulent flood, overwhelmingly sweep my eyes. I do not know how many times I stop to raise my head, gaze at the sky absently and suddenly recall you when taking a stroll in the camp after dinner. I, like a child, lose my way in the wood and am totally at a loss. For this reason, my memories, like a raging fire, engulf me in flames.
I always cherish in my mind those days and nights we spent together: sometimes, we went on a journey far away from our own city to refresh ourselves after months of office grinds. We indulged ourselves in great delight in drinking plenty of beer together overnight. Beer rendered us indulgent for a fling and forgetful of routine, tiresome work. Sometimes, we enjoyed solid pleasure in taking a peaceful walk in the countryside after dinner. Yeah, I remember, it is a long, serene lane, with wild flowers blossoming quietly along the two sides. When rambling through it without a solitary word, we, from time to time, stopped to watch and sniff the scent of those tiny but pleasant wild flowers. While other times, we simply sat down and cuddled together with a soothing caress at home, which nowadays is just a painful memory in my mind.
But, my sweetie, I love you deeply, heart and soul; you, do you love me too? I believe in that you once, to some extent, loved me as well but later you changed your mind to love someone else, for you , more than once, unburdened yourself that we would stay together forever and never part with each other. However, afterwards, you unveiled that to love or not, like someone’s possession was just his own choice and had nothing to do with others. You once poured out your heart that we could absolutely go through any obstacles ahead of us to come together in the future, free of any prejudices; yet, we ended up a break-up all too soon. You, as well, confided to me that in this world, there existed true love which demanded mutual sincerity and fidelity to each other. Afterwards, you, however, disclosed that in this sham world, nobody, but yourself, you could count upon, for everyone could deceive and betray you. My face is flooded with tears whenever it dawns upon me that you are gone forever, never to return again.
Before long I came to Nigeria, I was told by one of our friends that you left your hometown for Shanghai, a metropolis with so many enticing desires in all aspects. Perhaps, in this big city, you will land a decent job, for you are blessed with wonderful intelligence; you shall work in a spacious office, with luxurious, glassy windows, through which you can enjoy a beautiful view outside; you shall be fastidious about your sleek and trim appearance. Perhaps, in this big city, you can find your Mr Right, for you are of incredible beauty; I can even imagine the one you will find shall be a lean guy of indescribable handsomeness too, well-groomed and elegant, with a good taste for fashion, indicative of ruggedness instead of gaudiness; he is so considerate that he will offer you a cup of warm coffee upon your arrival at your home.
For a long time, I believe that I was just those floating clouds in the sky, growing up in abject loneliness, and endowed with a gift from God; this gift was you, my life-time lover. Once I thought that this gift would stay with me forever and never depart from me. But, now, who can imagine a much more wretched life than mine since I was heart-broken, lost in nostalgia and could not withdraw myself from it? Often, I try to stretch my hands to hold you on; yet, even if I can manage that, how can I make your heart a comeback? You, just like a sharp knife, pierce fiercely and slowly into my heart, bloddless but unutterably painful. Nowadays, those promises seem like mere lies in my life; the so-called permanent love is nothing but a sheer lie to each other. After all, in this earthly world, there are loaded with deceptiveness and helplessness.
Suddenly, I find myself a man of extreme nostalgia. Love, just like a luxurious banquet: we first get acquainted with each other by invitations and then enjoy ourselves; after that, we leave there apart and return to our own home. You, my beloved in my life, are like fireworks: kindle, blaze, and vanish in the end. I begin to believe in this world, we are just passers-by to each other; we can never become each other’s life-long lovers. Nowadays, I begin to yield to the fate and all the destinies it brings to me. I can never believe in love or promises any more. After a long walk, I can not find a shelter to stay in; thinking for a lot, I am still confined to be at a loss. |
