本帖最后由 sonysun 于 2009-11-17 16:08 编辑
A long time ago,there was a painter who went everyday to a nearby river to paint.
One day,The river had been polluted.Some animals had died nearby.However the people live by the river.
One day, the painter found his daughter (who was always coughing), under the underpass with a breathing mask.(What is the point of mentioning this?)her father asked.
When he took her home, he descovered that she had a festering tumour on her stomach, and he put a cloth on it.
As the days went by he realised that the tumour was still festering.
One day his daughter told him that she couldn't stand the pain any longer, and asked him to quickly paint her portrait before she died.
Her father felt terrible and became sad at seeing his daughter suffering.
A little later, the girl told him that she couldn't stand the pain any more and asked him to cut out the tumour.
When he cut it, it oozed puss, but it did not relieve her pain and suffering. Instead, she began to throw up, and blood leaked from her eyes. Her face became ashen. 'I can't bear it!' she screamed.
Not bearing to see his daughter suffer so, he quickly cut her throat and let her slip into a pain free oblivion.
首先，很多标点符号后无空格，此乃标准打字方法
其次，语句缺乏通顺性连贯性，俗称CHINGLISH，AWKWARD
One day,The river had been polluted.Some animals had died nearby.However the people live by the river. 语句不通顺+时态错误
One day, the painter found his daughter (who was always coughing), under the underpass with a breathing mask.(What is the point of mentioning this?)her father asked.用括号就不用定于从句，括号本身就是对完整句子的一个省略，其次标点符号乱点，逗号在英语正规写作中是有讲究的
When he took her home, he descovered that she had a festering tumour on her stomach, and he put a cloth on it.拼写错误+单词错误，cloth是布料，不是衣服
As the days went by he realised that the tumour was still festering.正规写作中，此处THE是多余的，其次这个句子中需要逗号才更正规，您显然是受了不好的英语环境影响
One day his daughter told him that she couldn't stand the pain any longer, and asked him to quickly paint her portrait before she died.此处逗号多余，第二句中无主语，乃DEPENDENT CLAUSE
A little later, the girl told him that she couldn't stand the pain any more and asked him to cut out the tumour.此句红色部分语言实在太口语化，非要说没问题的话，我觉得对于一个初中水平的学生，没多大问题。另外这句AND前就无逗号了，shiweijian你不觉得很奇怪？
When he cut it, it oozed puss, but it did not relieve her pain and suffering.此句BUT用得诡异
整体来说，语法单一幼稚，用词不恰当，感觉在瞎用词典里的词。不过对于一个中国初中生已经不错了
但是离您自己所说的地道，我想还差得远吧
我在加拿大迄今接受了十年高等教育，如果要给这篇文章打分，100分满分，您能得10分或许更低。更多的小错误就难说了，语法不通顺，过于口语化，过于chinglish，排版无逻辑等等
想要学到真正有用的英语，还是去读书吧，万般皆下品，唯有读书高。
骗人骗钱是没出路的
希望你能想明白这个道理 |
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